The epic cheese of the Olympics.

So... If you read my MySpace blog, this is it. I just wanted to make this site look a little less empty and sad.

Anyways, hi Betsy. I think you're the only one reading this. If anyone else is, hi. You should all write something, anything? Hey, you can RSS this too. No shame in that.

Spastic strobe drums. Godzilla footstep fireworks. The amazing LED scroll.

If you're half of the humanity (keep reading to understand my strange choice of words) that tuned into TV on Friday night, you know what I'm talking about. The opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.

But it was more than the most impressive light show on the most polluted place on earth. It was more than the brilliant, vibrant costumes displayed from every country representative. It was more than a hosting of various dignitaries throughout the world.

For us in the United States, it was a poorly written commentary.

Yes, I know. The Olympics are chock-full of epic cheese. By that, I mean that the Olympics started in ancient Greece as we all know. And proven by everything we have seen from movies like Gladiator, 300, Troy, and of course, Meet the Spartans - everything in ancient times should be epic. We need announcers with booming, robust Tom Brokaw-type voices. Triumphant brass, like trumpets tearing down the walls of Jericho. An intermittent timpani. And bulging muscles. Oh, and oil. We need lots of oil.

Um.

So the language used by American (and I'm sure non-American) commentators is fairly expected for magnitudinal (probably not a word, don't care) events such as this. Sports give people that ancient sense of heroism, grit, victory, and brass, I suppose. Perhaps I would know about this more if there were winning local teams (except the KC Roller Warriors, who are awesome). I'm fairly indifferent toward sports, but some of the best written and more creative articles you'll find in any newspaper is in the sports section. However, the Gold for best television commentary did not go to the United States. Not even close.

Instead of Bob Costas or Matt Lauer, I would have rather heard commentary on the opening ceremony from a person who had a better idea of Chinese culture. Or maybe Pootie Tang, where Bob Costas made a cameo. Wa da ta, China?

Epic cheese example No. 1: With 1.3 billion people, China represents "one-fifth of humanity." Lay it on as thick as you can, Costas. Who ever says that the US represents one-twentieth of humanity? It is always a bold step to use language like "humanity" and "the world." But my goodness, was there a lot of it.

Kick 'em while they're down example Nos. 1, 2, 3, etc.: (as some small, relatively unknown country with two athletes marches down the line) "Even though they know they don't have a chance of getting a medal, they've decided to come anyway and honor their country." They said things like this I don't know how many times throughout the night, but enough to get a belly/pity laugh from me. Sorry, Mauritania. Peace out, Ivory Coast. Boo hoo, Belarus. You're so insignificant to US commentators that not only does your 5-second walk through the Birds' Nest get reduced to 1.5, but you get insulted on network TV.

Epic cheese example No. 14: Little Lin Hao, the courageous boy who survived the China earthquake and attempted to save several of his classmates. Cute, sweet, and touching. But do you really need to mention it every time his little face pops up on screen? "There's the only tall Asian in the world, Yao Ming, accompanied by earthquake survivor Lin Hao. Did we mention that he survived the earthquake? And his friends are all dead?" Hopefully little Hao can't understand English. May be a bit of a bummer for him.

Kick 'em while they're down example No. whatever: "Vietnam does not excel in sports, but they have some of the best mathematicians in the world." What the commentators wanted to add was this: "And they really do the best laundry. I mean, look at these creases, Bob!"

WTF example No. 17: As you probably clearly saw, there were paint pads of varying colors on the floor. Athletes stepped on them and created a rainbow that embodies that "One World, One Dream" (more cheeeese) idea that this year's Olympics stand for. Halfway through the telecast, one of the commentators says: "I wonder how the color got there." Well, those Chinese and their technology to use simple paint... it is rather amazing, is it not? Bob, are you listening?

Disappointing, funny, and dangerous. Dangerous as in, I could have choked on my piece of General Tso's chicken while laughing at these antics.

You had countries proud of their heritage, and one host country in particular, happy to show off its artistic merit and the hope for athletic merit. You had a world leader like George Bush, bored, looking at his watch, with wife Laura staring sweetly and blankly into the crowd, because that's really all I've ever seen her do. Nicolas Sarkozy picks his nose. Some other guy is sound asleep. All in all, the opening ceremony was visually breathtaking. So those chinos are worth more than just a good jab, huh, Spanish basketball team? (My thanks goes out to Kim for sending me this and making me cry in the middle of my work day.)



Joke's on you. I have great peripheral vision.

(P.S. If you're just stumbling upon this blog from cyber space and don't know me, I'm Asian-American, not just some random asshole. I am a very non-random asshole.)

-Shelly Storm